Grey River

fowem...

2006-03-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

let his words suffice...

sonnet xviii pablo neruda

Here I Love You

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorus on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.

Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.

Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes on and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire

grrr

2006-02-26T00:52:00.000+08:00

ewan. bahala kayo sa buhay nyo.
wag nyo ko pakialaman at di rin ako makikialam okay?

the fuck do i care if that's what you want?

sleepless

2006-02-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

i can't sleep.

hay

2006-02-21T00:15:00.000+08:00

i want to be depressed.
really.

but for some inexplicable reason im not.

maybe its because weariness is taking over depression.
or maybe im just getting older.

don't get me wrong... i am sad. sadder than ive ever been for the longest time.

but, im not depressed.

there is a difference.

yes, i cry now and again, usually with no apparent reason.
but...im not depressed. and no, im not taking antidepressants.

heartbroken? yes.
depressed? no.

its a good thing.
yes i am sad.
very.

but somehow, i know im going to pull out of this one.

i feel like shit everyday.
but i still have passion.
to do things i love.
for people i love.
for life.

when you're depressed, nothing appeals to you.
when you're depressed, u just lie in bed. sleeping.

today, im sad.
very sad.

but im out of bed at the crack of dawn, eating. only thing is i forgot im not supposed to hehehe oh well. try again next week.

:-(

2006-02-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

help me to let go Lord. im just standing in the way of her happiness, her destiny...

throbbing...

2005-12-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

that's it...
suck it in...
let the music wash over you, ease your mind and your heart...

yes, it's back. that familiar throbbing in your chest...that apprehension that was always associated with some name, some place, some...thing.

you don't know if it's excitement or fear.

but it's there.

it's been a while since you've felt that way. maybe this is your crossroad...maybe, like darth vader said... the circle is now complete...when i left you, you were the master.... now, things are upside down.

indeed.
maybe this is the crossroad.

maybe this is the point where you finally come to terms with who you are, your identity, your purpose.

it has been three years.

maybe it's time.

maybe, whatever that kept you from going has finally eased it's hold on you...

your guilt.

your hurt.

a name.

the mere mention of it starts that throbbing in your chest very much like an overdose of beta blockers.

this was the day you dreaded/looked forward to/ran away from/expected/tried to dismiss.

so what now?

she said it right... be focused and stay away from distractions.

how apt.

it's been three years.

i believed in the sermon where He said He will give me back what the enemy took away...be it one week, one month...three years...

God i hope this is it.

my emotional currency is running low as it is.

help me to handle this.

that's it. breath. suck it in.
you can do it.

this will pass, right now you are just overwhelmed, you didn't expect this day to come.

take your meds...it will help ease the racing of your thoughts and your heart.

let the mix of cold and warm seawater envelope you, take you to a nicer place, let it calm you down.

listen to the clicks underwater, as water hits surf.
let it drown you in it's constant movement, in it's comforting embrace.

taste the brine, it will bring you back to reality.

God please, help me through this.

the heart...

2005-11-10T00:52:00.000+08:00

yes. my favorite. the heart.

the heart is central...

therefore, guard your heart...for it is the wellspring of life...

Accept no substitute. No matter how cerebrally inclined you think you are, no matter how many hurts you had....you cannot deny it. The heart is central. It is evident in expressions: change of heart, heartless, heartbreak, heartburn. It is where you feel your innermost emotions, it is where you record the experiences that really matter.

No matter how you think you are cerebral you are(wink wink). The heart is central. Living disjointed from your heart is just existing. No matter how much of a big shot you are. No matter how much money you make. No matter how intelligent you are.

Live from the heart. Even if it hurts. It is the only way you can feel being alive. It is the only way you can truly enjoy even the simplest things like fishballs from the corner or a whiff of clean mountain air. It is the only way to live. If you find yourself in a seeming rut...your office is routine, today seems no different from tomorrow and yesterday...live from the heart. Yes it may be routine to you. Picture yourself in a worse place than this. With a limb missing. With a terminal disease...unable to do your bodily functions without somebody doing it for you...and say thanks you are where you are.

Love from the heart. If you are in a relationship and do not have the real passion for it...if the one you are with does not ignite your senses...if you do not have the desire to live for that person...ask yourself why. Check your reasons why you are in that situation. If it's just the comfort of being in a relationship that keeps you in it...

Get hurt from the heart. Do not rationalize. Accept the pain. Yes you feel like dying...but it's better than being dead inside. You'll get up again. You'll love again. Better than building walls.

Everyday...if things seem routine...find the time to do it the star trek way... explore strange new worlds...seek out new life, new civilizations...to boldly go where you haven't has gone before. Learn pottery. Learn to draw manga. Make christmas decorations. Read a different genre of books.

Live from the heart.

:-(

2005-11-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

...staring at the monitor again.

i'm tired.
i wish i had better control over my mouth.
i'm still bleeding. wounds are still fresh...
what is it with birthdays that every other time i get my heart ripped out...

grrr.

i so want to do something cathartic. somebody, beat me to within an inch of my life so that i get to appreciate things that i ought to be thankful for.

(sigh)

i don't know if i want to be angry, sad, blaming, or just plain in denial.

i hate myself.

why did i have to be this stick-in-the-butt kind of person. the world would be a better place if i just had that surgery...

i haven't cried so hard in...well...years.

fuck i thought i could handle it.

what the heck was i thinking.

lazy to write

2005-09-24T12:59:00.000+08:00

haaay.

I'm am so lazy when it comes to updating this blog. I am so lazy when it comes to writing. Period. It takes a lot out of me. It requires a minimum dose of concentration and patience that, unfortunately i just do not have. Which is a shame because i've got a lot of stuff that i really wanted to put down on paper/bytes. But the minute i get to sit down and log in to blogger, i fidget and fret, and i lose track of what i was supposed to write about.

So in a way, i've apologized to myself for lack of an update in this blog, i'll now proceed to attempt at writing about the events that transpired this week (naks).

We just got back from mindoro, my sisters and i. We went there with GCF: Operation Compassion to help with the medical mission. We set off at around 6:30, on a bus hired by GCF, to get to batangas pier so we could take the supercat to mindoro. Then upon arrival at calapan pier, we were greeted by warren, a kiwi national who was in charge of driving us around in the Mercylink coaster. He also provided the entertainment with his rendition of "Delilah" padugo style. So from calapan pier, we were to travel for two hours to get to roxas (where the ro-ro port is), our main base of operations for day one. After 30 mins of travel, there was a loud pop, and the a/c of the coaster went kaput. So open goes the windows, and on goes the pamaypays. Good thing the mechanic was along the way so we stopped, got the a/c checked up. After about an hour and a half of waiting, going to the cr, consuming boy bawang (courtesy of doc louise) and coke, getting to know the people we were with, we were back on track to roxas. Along the way we stopped to buy rambutan and lanzones and dalanghita, so our impatience at trying to get to roxas was curbed, the whole coaster alive with "pass da rambutan plis". I pretty much slept on the way, but i did get a nice view of the countryside, which is pretty much like any other countryside here...wide fields of palay interspersed with houses.

When we got to roxas, we had lunch at a resort where we ate sisig, fried chicken, squid, greenshells, crab and chopsuey. We then got to our final stop, a resort with a pool, from where the roro port which ferries to caticlan was visible. So if we wanted, in 2 hours we could have been in boracay. The first day was pretty much spent on travel and getting settled in our bunks. We broke the ice by playing wan tu tri pass and feeding the videoke machine 5 peso coins. The day eneded well, getting to know the people who we were going to work with.

Second day, we went had breakfast at a councilor's office, our host at roxas, so it was pretty much great food and delicious fruits. Then off to the private school owned by the councilor for our med mission. It went smoothly, very organized and no problems were encountered that couldnt be handled. For the medical team we got 500+ patients, the dental had 200+ and surgery 25. The last to close shop were the dentists, with their bunot and pasta and cleaning. The second day ended with more videoke, with devotions at the councilor's house and a lot of picture taking. Its a shame the digicam got busted so i wasnt able to take any personal pics.

The third day, the main reason for our coming to mindoro and the major source of apprehension amongst a lot of us, was when we were to go to the Manyan Bible School to conduct our med mission among the mangyans who live around the foot of halcon, in the town of Bacu. Our impression after orientation was that we were up for a rough time, being required to bring tents. We were warned that there might be no water, so no taking a bath for around 3 days. We were pleasantly surprised to find running spring water, decent accomodations ( we pitched our tents all the same to serve as moquito nets) and very protective and generous hosts. So here are facts about the people we served: most do not take baths, drink about a glass of water per day, wear clothes that doesnt seem to have been washed in weeks, and they chew betel nuts. Get past that and you get a very kind hearted people, very profuse with gratitude, very protective. It was there that i really appreciated being a doctor, with their "salamat po" being profuse. Not like the lowland people, who expect you to treat them and you get half hearted thanks, with them, you really felt like you were making a difference in their lives. I feel like they did a lot more for me than i did for them. All in all, it's something that i would have surely missed out on if i wasnt convinced by my sisters to go :-)

moving on

2005-07-23T08:22:00.000+08:00

I guess i heard what i needed to hear.
The axe that i so feared that was poised above my head was wobbly swung down, glanced off at the first blow, yet still managed to do it's job

Now i can see what else is out there.

You seem to have found what you were looking for.

I'm happy for you

Now it's my turn to seek out what has been calling to me.

I may have found it, i may have not. But now, i can go on my search.

that haunting voice... that voice that i hear just before waking up and where i still remember dreaming.

that voice that urges me to go... just go. i don't know where, it just says "Go".

i feel like aragorn, scared to go to minas tirith...for fear of his destiny, for fear of coming into what by right is his. i feel his apprehension, yet the thrill, of holding the shards of narsil in his hands, knowing that a greater destiny lies ahead..if he just dares.

the stale smell of morning on the fields of rohan greets me. battle awaits.

..sad...

2005-07-11T13:47:00.000+08:00

suddenly, a great wave of sadness swept over me.
i don't know why.
i can't think of a cause.

it just comes.
less today than what it used to.

but it still comes.

2005-07-05T09:31:00.000+08:00

the ice is thin enough for walkin'
the rope is worn enough to climb
throat is dry enough for talkin'
world is crumblin', but i know why
world is crumblin', but i know why

storm is wild enough for sailing
bridge is weak enough to cross
this body frail enough for fighting
i'm home enough to know i'm lost
home enough to know i'm lost

Chorus:
it's just enough to be strong
in the broken places, in the broken places
it's just enough to be strong
should the world rely on faith tonight

land unfit enough for planting
barren enough to conceive
poor enough to gain the treasure
enough a cynic to believe
enough a cynic to believe

confused enough to know direction
sun eclipsed enough to shine
be still enough to finally tremble
see enough to know i'm blind
see enough to know i'm blind

should the world rely on faith tonight
should the world rely on faith tonight

-faith enough, Jars of Clay

gasolina...

2005-07-04T07:15:00.000+08:00

pudadbaboy
Originally uploaded by Em.

wawang economy. buti na lang nakakatawa pa tayo. pugad baboy 17 is now out at your favorite bookstores! get your copy now!

bbbbbbb

2005-06-30T14:35:00.000+08:00

a nose bleed. that's what it is. downright, pure epistaxis.
remember that movie with ruffa mae quinto where her foreigner boyfriend is talking to her family in english? with blood running down their ears and noses? blood tinged eyes...with some blood running out of their ears?

that's what it is.

these days i just want to climb some mountain and stay there for days. with nothing but the cold, the rocks and the fog to cover my senses. nothing but the smell of damp leaves, of earth, the sound of birds the sound of crickets...

these days i want to go back to that exact fork where i took a wrong turn. i want to go back to highschool, and pay more attention to developing myself, instead of being focused on what was in the moment for me. i want to go back to college, pass that course and not get delayed. i want to go back to med school, and read that book that i always put off reading. i want to go back to clerkship and not be afraid. i want to go back to internship and push myself beyond what i already knew.
that fork. that stupid fork that i never took. in retrospect i want to wring my neck for not taking that fork. why oh why did it have to be the spoon.

the now is too heavy for me. it carries with it mistakes. of commission and ommision. of regrets for things done in the past and dread for things that will happen in the future. i fear consequence. i fear life.

i wasnt always like this.i wasnt always afraid.

in grade school, when there was a singing contest, for linggo nang wika, i think, nobody in our section wanted to represent us. so out of the blue, i volunteered. sacrificial lamb. they were as surprised as i was when i did. i dont know what came over me. anyways. so practice practice, practice. and contest day.
so the other sections were belting out george canseco songs and other filipino classics... i went out with a bang. a real winner. classic of all classics: ParuParung Bukid. and...get this. i had to start the song twice, with uhurm pa in between since i couldnt get it right the first bar. i didnt get fazed by that. not even the uncomfortable silence that washed over the crowd. the isolated giggles that spiked up here and there. i even had the nerve after to ask what place i took.

i wish i had that bravado again. misplaced though it may have been. at least it signified courage.

now im just...afraid.

in college.... i joined an activist group. and felt i had THE cause to live for. i went through the ranks, i even made propaganda officer. how 'bout that. in charge of the material that gets circulated. in charge of the strategy of how to get to the people. then, i just got busy. and got cynical.

now, i get a nosebleed everytime i watch the news. like its all so foreign to me. so beyond comprehension that it takes all my brain cell to just catch up. what the heck is happening to our country.

for the brave?

2005-06-29T18:44:00.000+08:00

love is only for the brave. hence i don't deserve love because im not... brave.

when angry, really angry, all decency flies out the window. those tender moments and declaration of affection? wahahaa forget it. those were just...moments. it was never really the true "feelings" that one has.

the when you love someone go for it...or something like that.

yeah right.

words of a cynic.

ive always been a cynic. of life. of government. of people. but never of love. i idealized it. i believed all the books, i believed all the movies. i memorized quotes. i lived the moments. i guess reading it is not the same as actually being in it.

and i thought i've already outgrown cynicism.for a time i did. i believed that the government had hope, i believed that people can be good, i believed that love was pure.

yeah right.

closer

2005-06-22T21:45:00.000+08:00

closer
Originally uploaded by Em.

i found this on http://postsecret.blogspot.com

somedays... it is so true.

stormtroopers!

2005-06-20T01:56:00.000+08:00

stormtrooper

3rd new worlds scifi/fantasy convention!!!

3rd new worlds convention

the evil empire! the emperor, darth vader and their disposable targets (a.k.a. stormtroopers)

redemption

2005-06-13T04:09:00.000+08:00

REDEMPTION... what a word.

It's something that, at some level of consciousness, we aspire to.

Sometimes it's something we didn't know we were looking for.

Sometimes it's something we seek out on a sporadic basis, getting a glimpse of it yet does not consume us.

sometimes... it's all that you're living for.

some find it by chance...they were not really looking for it, but it just fell on their lap. and realize that it was what they were pushing for all along.

some find it after a tedious search, after a long trudge through the desert, coming upon and finding relief as the oasis as it is fills and give his soul rest.

some...try to seek it. finding the undertaking as elusive as trying to get to a lifeboat amidst huge waves. if you have ever swam in huge swells, you know what i mean. catching a glimpse your salvation, only to lose sight of it in a big wave, so tantalizingly close, seemingly darts further in direct proportion to the effort you put in getting near it....

Redemption.

some days you don't feel like you need it. some days you are oblivious to it.

one day.

one day.

it will come.

it will come.

one day...rest will fall on you like a much needed june rain.

redemption.

hahay...

2005-04-12T01:55:00.000+08:00

i think it's time to move on.

i've been in this place longer than i intended. (there was no intention in the first place) yet i found myself here, now, at the crossroads. for the longest time i never left. not for lack of trying, mind you, its just that, no matter how much i try, no matter what i do, i fall into the same cycle of winning, of losing.

have the past three years done any service to me? have they made me a better person as a whole? i dont feel any different. in fact, i'm less confident than i was three years ago.

it's about time.

im 30.

it's now or never.

a post

2005-01-28T03:07:00.000+08:00

Wow, a post! a post! i have been so negligent of posting... i'm a lot more busy at the blogs of others than my own. Now what does that say of me? NOTHING! bwahahaha (thunder crackles). Actually i've been writing some... not a lot, but some. Only i never get to finish it. I wrote about my sister's wedding, my stay in bacolod, about conqering my fear of horseback riding, about going caving with three flashlights and liters of softdrinks, about the tsunami...a lot of stuff. Only i never really got down to putting it in print. It was always in my head.

I've been a lot that way lately. Dreaming that i was writing something, correcting my grammar, checking the content, framing my context. But it never went beyond my dream.

Funny. I've also been dreaming a lot lately. I usually sleep around 9, then wake up around 11 pm. In that interval ive been to places, did things, met people. Such a stark contrast with my life huhuhu. What is scary is that sometimes, it just seems so real that when i wake up i actually try to resume doing what i was dreaming about. And the content is all so incoherent and illogical. This is probably the first night i havent dreamt. Anyway.

back to business.

I resolved to put a notebook beside my bed so that i can jot down stuff that i think of (which is seldom...thinking, i mean) and come up with. But so far ive been to lazy to do so hehehe. So since i cant sleep, i might as well use this opportunity to write some, just to give some semblance of activity to this blog.

i want to travel. i want to go to the beach, feel the salty air, taste the chill of the water, swim in the soft sand. i want to go to majayjay falls, spend the night there, be lulled to sleep by the raging water. these days i wish i was back in miag-ao. lie down in the middle of the road, count how many constellations and stars i can recognize, and just being content. i guess that was because the future still lay ahead of me. now, im 30, scarred, scared, and hurting. but then, tomorrow is a new day. so i still have another chance at reading that book that i promised myself for sometime now, writing that friend, which i just keep putting off since i keep saying to myself there are other days, run that lap which i promised my body i'd do.

yup. tomorrow is another day.

clutter

2004-11-09T15:27:00.000+08:00

clutter
Originally uploaded by Em.

8 years. the longest i have ever stayed in one place. I spent more time in this apartment than in our house in bacolod.Time just flies...

ah the clutter of moving...stuff in organized disarray, the air filled with the smell of dust and and humongous smell that you just cant describe...sort of a mix of mouse pee, spilled perfume, defrosting fridge. I can't believe it, we are finally moving!

jeremiah 31:18-20

2004-09-03T01:53:00.000+08:00

Jeremiah 31: 18-20

18. "I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning: 'You disciplined me like an unruly calf, and I have been disciplined. Restore me, and I will return, because you are the LORD my God.
19. After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'
20. Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD .

talk about scriptures talking directly to you.
this one really spoke to me at my lowest point.

new bird species

2004-08-18T15:27:00.000+08:00

wahoooooooooo congrats Wild Bird Club of the Philippines for finding a new species there in the Babuyan Islands!!! the bird is said to be endemic to that place only.

lookeee here looookie heeere
http://news.inq7.net/nation/index.php?index=3&story_id=5255&published_site=16

every bit of good news todays helps.

results are out

2004-08-18T12:24:00.000+08:00

The results are out.

http://www.inq7.net/exam/phys_08042004.pdf

Congrats to my sis!!! she made it to the top 20 list!!!

The scores reflect it was a very difficult exam, what with the highest getting a line of 80's.

Do not go gentle into the night

2004-08-09T09:22:00.000+08:00

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

...you are not an elephant.

playing around

2004-06-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

now, this is huyop-huyopan cave...in bicolandia. its a huge cave, a lot of features, its a safe enough adventure for those of you who are not really outdoor types. if you want to visit a cave that is, well, non-outdoorspersonfriendly then visit this one:-)

Huyop-Huyopan cave
Originally uploaded by Em.

photoblog?

2004-06-27T01:32:00.000+08:00

testing testing one two...

lemme see if this works. hmmm finally a solution for those who are not well versed in html!!! yehey!!! thank you Flickr!!!

a walk in Vigan
Originally uploaded by Em.

today

2004-06-25T18:02:00.000+08:00

no more sorries.
no more accepting what people say.
instead focus will be on the truth and what has to be done.
no more distractions
no more abusive words

will season words with salt, to not be offensive no matter how offensive others might be.

no more distractions.
will spend no more unnecessary time online or in front of the computer

will never cease praying and reading

will never cease struggling to renew mind and to live rightly

will change life, will be pure

will not let tongue get out of control again
if you have nothing good to say dont say it.

will not "preach" unless asked to.

will practice what i preach

will obey.
will stand strong in the faith and not let anyone pull me away from the path.
will not act like a cult member
will not be legalistic about things

will keep things simple. must keep things simple
cannot afford to let things get complicated.

will pass the board exam.
will study

will not let the heart dictate life

will not let insecurities allow tongue to get out of control
will not let anger let tongue get out of control
will not let hate allow tongue to get out of control

will not let hurtful words take power and dominion, will instead love the truth.

will not be lazy

will not be the worst person to walk on this earth ever.

will be good
will be pure
will be uncompromising
will obey
will read and pray
will keep life simple.
will not lose sight of what is important.

sorries

2004-06-25T15:16:00.000+08:00

im sorry i hurt you.
im sorry i didnt walk the talk, didnt practice what i preached.
im sorry i allowed that old self to come back up to the surface.

he was dead for a long while although vestiges of him still come up from time to time.

im sorry it happened.

i do not know how to ask forgiveness, nor how to seek amends.

i have been untrustworthy.

for that i cannot hope for forgiveness.

i betrayed you.

for that, i cannot keep on telling you what to me is truth.

i betrayed my faith.

for that, i cannot go on.

windows today

2004-06-25T15:13:00.000+08:00

i lost it.
again.

today i saw myself through the eyes of those i wronged.
today i saw myself through a window colored by pain.
today i saw a glimpse of the worst version of me, hateful, ruthless, insensitive...c r u e l.

today i saw the impact of my life on those i wronged.
today i got slapped with reality that what i was doing unintentionally deeply hurt people.
today i saw myself through pain colored eyes.

today i saw how horrible my deeds were.
today i saw that i became what i though i would never be...
what i feared and hoped i would never be.

today i became the worst version of myself
today i watched myself speak words i would never have spoken.
today i lost it.

today i lost it.
today i realized i lost it.
today i saw who i am.

today i lost it.
today i found out what it's liketo look on my face and feel...
repugnance

today.

i resolve.

never to be that way again.

stuck

2004-06-17T12:46:00.000+08:00

Finally a post!!! i find myself able to write when i just cant seem to move on.

Im in a rut. I can't move on. I cant study. why?????????????????

its like everyday is a struggle to get up and go to review class. most days i lose.

i keep longing for times when i could have done better, so that i wont have to be in this rut today.

its getting tiring.

please lift me up soon.i dont know how long i can take this anymore.