fowem...
let his words suffice...
sonnet xviii pablo neruda
Here I Love You
Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorus on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes on and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire
grrr
ewan. bahala kayo sa buhay nyo.
wag nyo ko pakialaman at di rin ako makikialam okay?
the fuck do i care if that's what you want?
sleepless
i can't sleep.
hay
i want to be depressed.
really.
but for some inexplicable reason im not.
maybe its because weariness is taking over depression.
or maybe im just getting older.
don't get me wrong... i am sad. sadder than ive ever been for the longest time.
but, im not depressed.
there is a difference.
yes, i cry now and again, usually with no apparent reason.
but...im not depressed. and no, im not taking antidepressants.
heartbroken? yes.
depressed? no.
its a good thing.
yes i am sad.
very.
but somehow, i know im going to pull out of this one.
i feel like shit everyday.
but i still have passion.
to do things i love.
for people i love.
for life.
when you're depressed, nothing appeals to you.
when you're depressed, u just lie in bed. sleeping.
today, im sad.
very sad.
but im out of bed at the crack of dawn, eating. only thing is i forgot im not supposed to hehehe oh well. try again next week.
:-(
help me to let go Lord. im just standing in the way of her happiness, her destiny...
throbbing...
that's it...
suck it in...
let the music wash over you, ease your mind and your heart...
yes, it's back. that familiar throbbing in your chest...that apprehension that was always associated with some name, some place, some...thing.
you don't know if it's excitement or fear.
but it's there.
it's been a while since you've felt that way. maybe this is your crossroad...maybe, like darth vader said... the circle is now complete...when i left you, you were the master.... now, things are upside down.
indeed.
maybe this is the crossroad.
maybe this is the point where you finally come to terms with who you are, your identity, your purpose.
it has been three years.
maybe it's time.
maybe, whatever that kept you from going has finally eased it's hold on you...
your guilt.
your hurt.
a name.
the mere mention of it starts that throbbing in your chest very much like an overdose of beta blockers.
this was the day you dreaded/looked forward to/ran away from/expected/tried to dismiss.
so what now?
she said it right... be focused and stay away from distractions.
how apt.
it's been three years.
i believed in the sermon where He said He will give me back what the enemy took away...be it one week, one month...three years...
God i hope this is it.
my emotional currency is running low as it is.
help me to handle this.
that's it. breath. suck it in.
you can do it.
this will pass, right now you are just overwhelmed, you didn't expect this day to come.
take your meds...it will help ease the racing of your thoughts and your heart.
let the mix of cold and warm seawater envelope you, take you to a nicer place, let it calm you down.
listen to the clicks underwater, as water hits surf.
let it drown you in it's constant movement, in it's comforting embrace.
taste the brine, it will bring you back to reality.
God please, help me through this.
the heart...
yes. my favorite. the heart.
the heart is central...
therefore, guard your heart...for it is the wellspring of life...
Accept no substitute. No matter how cerebrally inclined you think you are, no matter how many hurts you had....you cannot deny it. The heart is central. It is evident in expressions: change of heart, heartless, heartbreak, heartburn. It is where you feel your innermost emotions, it is where you record the experiences that really matter.
No matter how you think you are cerebral you are(wink wink). The heart is central. Living disjointed from your heart is just existing. No matter how much of a big shot you are. No matter how much money you make. No matter how intelligent you are.
Live from the heart. Even if it hurts. It is the only way you can feel being alive. It is the only way you can truly enjoy even the simplest things like fishballs from the corner or a whiff of clean mountain air. It is the only way to live. If you find yourself in a seeming rut...your office is routine, today seems no different from tomorrow and yesterday...live from the heart. Yes it may be routine to you. Picture yourself in a worse place than this. With a limb missing. With a terminal disease...unable to do your bodily functions without somebody doing it for you...and say thanks you are where you are.
Love from the heart. If you are in a relationship and do not have the real passion for it...if the one you are with does not ignite your senses...if you do not have the desire to live for that person...ask yourself why. Check your reasons why you are in that situation. If it's just the comfort of being in a relationship that keeps you in it...
Get hurt from the heart. Do not rationalize. Accept the pain. Yes you feel like dying...but it's better than being dead inside. You'll get up again. You'll love again. Better than building walls.
Everyday...if things seem routine...find the time to do it the star trek way... explore strange new worlds...seek out new life, new civilizations...to boldly go where you haven't has gone before. Learn pottery. Learn to draw manga. Make christmas decorations. Read a different genre of books.
Live from the heart.
:-(
...staring at the monitor again.
i'm tired.
i wish i had better control over my mouth.
i'm still bleeding. wounds are still fresh...
what is it with birthdays that every other time i get my heart ripped out...
grrr.
i so want to do something cathartic. somebody, beat me to within an inch of my life so that i get to appreciate things that i ought to be thankful for.
(sigh)
i don't know if i want to be angry, sad, blaming, or just plain in denial.
i hate myself.
why did i have to be this stick-in-the-butt kind of person. the world would be a better place if i just had that surgery...
i haven't cried so hard in...well...years.
fuck i thought i could handle it.
what the heck was i thinking.